My Doctor, Doctor

I was convinced once I finished up my masters degree, that would be it for me when it comes to furthering my education. For some reason, I've been rethinking that stance lately.

While at Portland State, I focused most of my studies on diversity, multiculturalism, and the identity development of multiracial individuals. These subjects really inspired my studies, and in the back of my mind I knew I'd enjoy continuing to study them, but at the time it was an afterthought.

Now, I'm considering going back to school to earn my PhD in education and building off of the foundation that I started at PSU. I've started to do some research on schools and it looks like there might be some interesting programs at the University of New Mexico and the University of Hawaii. I know that I'm still a few years away from actually applying, but the thought is kind of exciting, which surprises me.

Unfortunately, you don't need a doctorate in order to sell t-shirts on the beach.

My Old Stomping Grounds

So on a whim, I drove to San Antonio this afternoon, and I couldn't help but feel mixed emotions after I came back to San Marcos because going back reminded me of a lot great times I had, but it also reminded about how things have changed.

My time in San Antonio were the best years of my life because I grew up a lot, came into my own, and became the person that I am today. It was a great experience, but I always knew that in order for me to really grow I had to leave, which was a driving factor in me moving up to Portland. Even though I don't regret moving to Oregon, part of me always thinks about how my life would be if I stayed in San Antonio.

Even though I loved my time in San Antonio, I don't think I could ever go back.  I'm just a very different person then I was those many years ago, and returning would be a big step backwards. Right now, I'm only interested in moving forward, rediscovering myself, and growing even more.  Going back to San Antonio would not let me do those things.

What led me to this realization was a visit to my alma matter, the University of Texas at San Antonio. Being back at UTSA opened my eyes to how much things have changed. It was interesting being back on campus because it has cool seeing how much it has grown, but it was also a little sad because it is not the same school that I went to. I went to UTSA because it wasn't UT-Austin or Texas A&M.  It was a smaller school trying to find its identity, and by doing that it wanted to become like everything else.  While becoming a more prestigious institution, UTSA has lost some of its scrappiness, and that's what drew me there.

The school was not the only thing that's changed because the city itself is not the same place I moved to. San Antonio always felt like a really big town to me despite being a major metropolitan area. Over the last couple of years the city has blown up and become a bloated version of itself with all of the strip malls and fancy shopping centers. It doesn't have that small town feel to it because it's looking more and more like a major city, and more power to them. I'm glad SA has grown so much, but it's not the place I fell in love with so many years ago. Too many things have changed, but that's life.

While I was driving around SA, I dawned on me how five years could feel like a lifetime.  Being back felt familiar but so different at the same time, and I realized that was my old life and I needed to move on. Despite knowing that my time in San Antonio is behind me, I still love that city because it helped shape me into the person that I am today, and it helped me realize what else I need to do. I'm glad that the place that helped me grow up also helped me realize that I still have a ways to go.

My Sigh of Relief

It's official. I received the e-mail from my advisor, and I passed my last class. Now, I have a masters degree in education, and let's hope it starts paying off sooner rather than later.

Some of the lessons that I learned were easier than others, but the one thing I know for sure is I'm extremely lucky to have had a wonderful support group comprised of family and friends, and this degree belongs to them more than to me.

The past two years were long and trying, and yet they were over before I knew it. This journey hasn't been the easiest for me, but it's finished, and now on to bigger and better things.

My Final Hurdle

This afternoon, I jumped over the final hurdle that was in my way towards my masters degree. I officially got hooded, and now it's the final sprint to the finish line.

I'm not saying that I've officially earned my degree because there's still a chance that I didn't pass my final class, although that is highly unlikely. Once I receive the official word, then I can celebrate, but it does feel good to be done...in theory.

My Journey Is Complete...Almost

Thursday night I gave my last presentation as a graduate student at Portland State University, and while many people told me that I did a great job, I'm hesitant to be overly eager to celebrate because I know that there's still the tiny chance that I might not pass. I just hate patting myself on the back before I have a reason to.

Now, I'm fairly confident that I will be earning my masters degree in education, and I will have a reason to be excited, but I'm also still trying to figure out what is next.

Six months ago, I wrote an entry about how I had no idea what my future holds, and the same is true today. Usually, I love change and not knowing what's down the road, but for some reason I'm not so carefree, and I just hope that this degree will pay off sooner than later.

All I know for sure is I'll be leaving Oregon before the end of the month. After that, a whole new journey begins.

My End of the Road

It's kind of hard to believe that I'll essentially be done with graduate school next Thursday. The time just flew by, and I'm excited about the next chapter of my life. I just wish I knew where that would be taking place.

My Writer's Block

For some reason I cannot find the motivation to start on my final paper for graduate school. Someone could have a gun to my head in order to force me to work on it, and I'd tell the person to shoot because dying a slow, painful, bullet to the head induced death would be more fun than working on this paper. Unfortunately, I'm not so lucky, and I don't see a way out of it.

My Job Hunt - Update 2

The end of my masters education is getting closer and closer, and I haven't really started to sweat it just yet (despite the fact that I haven't started working on my final paper), but the job search is getting pretty slim.

I applied for a job at the University of Hawaii, and I was able to get a phone interview. It went well for the most part, and now I'll just have to wait and see. The idea of living in Hawaii is exciting, but it has drawbacks too. It's really expensive to live on the islands, and it would be so far away from home.

I also applied for two jobs in San Diego, one at the University of San Diego and one at the University of California at San Diego. Unfortunately, both of the jobs fell through, which sucks because living in San Diego would have trumped living in Hawaii.

The other night I came across an orientation at Texas State, and I couldn't help but get excited. I've always wanted to get back into orientation, and San Marcos is close enough to both Austin and San Antonio, so it sounds perfect...too perfect. Of course I applied for the job, but I'm not letting myself get too worked up because I don't want the potential rejection to sting too much.

So, that's where I'm at. I have a little over a month left to go before I officially become over educated and unemployed. Yippie!

My Empty Tank

Maybe I'm just in a grouchy mood, but I just didn't give a frick today. I was supposed to work on my comps project for school, but I had zero motivation because the sun was out. I kept telling myself that I should take my final project seriously, but I couldn't muster any care what so ever.

This is when I realized that I really don't care much about anything right about now. I'm not saying that I'm unhappy with things, I just want to be done with so much stuff, so I can pick up and move on already.

Should I be worried that I'm feeling this way because it really doesn't bother me that I am...

My Lack of Motivation

I should be reading for my Thursday night class, but I just don't have to juice to do it. Rather than being productive, I'd prefer to putz around on the Internet or watch the Obamas dance at one of the thousand balls they have tonight. I didn't know senioritis existed for graduate students, but apparently it does.

My Countdown

In roughly six months I'll be finishing up my graduate degree (fingers crossed), and starting the new chapter of my life. I'd be lying if I said I'm not counting down the days until I'm finished, unfortunately, I don't quite know what that next chapter will be.

I've been spending way too much time and effort trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. Sure, the picture is becoming a little bit clearer, but it's by no means totally in focus. Usually, this uncertainty excites me, but for some reason the unknown is freaking me out just a bit this time around.

Maybe it's because I have more questions than I have answers. There is still a part of me that is wondering if I'm really on the right track, moving towards the life that I'm meant for. I mean, I enjoy working in student services...I just don't love it. This lack of passion has me worried because I've always wanted to love what I do, and I just don't know if this is it. The thing is, it might be too late. I've spent way too much time and money to just change my mind and walk away. Plus, it's not like I hate what I do.

Add to this the fact that I have no idea where I'm going to be living in six-plus months, and I've had a lot on my mind. I'm pretty sure Portland's been taken off of the list, but then again I never say never. In all reality my next stop revolves around where I can find work, so it's kind of out of my hands, but I'd like to have SOME direction.

So, I'm ready to get going onto whatever life has in store for me next, but a little hint about what that might be wouldn't hurt.

My Missing Piece

Last night in class, we had a former university president come to class to share her experience in higher education. From the get-go you could sense that she was good at what she did, and is a model of strong leadership. She talked about her tenets of good leadership, and she spent a lot of time on being passionate about what you do. This echoed the advice another guest speaker gave during a class last term.

In May, this woman gave a presentation about what she does for a living. It involved working with female inmates, and getting them ready to transition to re-enter the outside world by helping them learn a trade. Again, she showed great passion and dedication for what she did.

These two women got me thinking about what I want to do with me life. Now, I'm not saying that I want to work with inmates or be a college president for the rest of my life, or at all for that matter, but they were so passionate about what they did. I wish I had a fraction of that spark.

It still feels like I'm just drifting along in life. I still feel like I have zero direction, and for the first time in my life it's starting to scare me. You'd think I'd have the slightest idea about what I'd want to do for a living by now. Unfortunately, I don't. At least I don't think that I do.

Maybe that's not all true. I do think that I'm supposed to be some sort of teacher, probably in a college environment, but I'm not convinced that my heart is not totally in it, and I don't want to get stuck down a path that I regret. Now, I know that life isn't supposed to be mapped out for you, and you need to learn from mistakes and detours, but that's just such a scary thought.

The thing is, I don't know what I'm passionate about. I used to think that it was movies, but I know that's just a fantasy that will never happen. I have zero musical talent, so that's out of the picture. I don't feel the urge to save the pandas, or the polar bears, or the rain forest. I've never really given back to my community. I just sit here and think about what is missing in my life.

Over the last couple of months, I've had this nagging need to shake things up, but for some reason I'm hesitant to do so, probably because it's easier to sit back and whine about life rather than doing something to change it. I do think that getting involved in the community could give me some direction, but for some reason I keep talking myself out of doing anything. Organizations like the Boys and Girls Club or Big Brothers Big Sisters intrigue me, but I can't even figure out how to live my own life. I guess I'm just scared of messing up some kid's life.

At least I know that something is missing, and now I just need to man up and find the piece that fits.

My First Night of Class

So, the first night of class has come and gone, and even though I initially dreaded for school to start up again, I think it's going to be a good term. The course material will be interesting, the assignments should be fairly easy, and the class has a good vibe to it.

It does suck that I won't be done until 9:20 at night, and I have to walk clear across campus (which is a lot longer than you might think), but I'm only taking one class this term, so I'm pretty much done for the week.

Also, I'm actually interacting with some of my fellow classmates which has made things more entertaining. Going to class is so much more fun when you have people to talk to and make jokes with.

So, despite my initial unwillingness, I really cannot complain, and it was a good first day. I hope it's an indicator of where the rest of the year is headed.