My Same Song, My Same Dance

I keep telling myself that I'm due for a change, but it seems like life has been stuck in limbo and the only place I can share my thoughts is on this blog. The thing is I don't want this to become a broken record, which explains why I never write much anymore, yet here I am.

Back in January, I wrote about how I was tired of living a temporary life; in a perpetual state of having one foot in the now and the other out the door. The need for new experiences has always been a driving force for me, but it's been a lonely journey, and the need for permanency has started to creep in my brain. I tried to convince myself that settling down was the right answer, but now I'm not so sure.

I think most of it comes back to the fact that I'm just not as happy as I'd like to be. For some reason, I have this thought in my head that the key to my happiness is just around the corner, and I just need to catch up to it, but once I make that final turn I'm left stranded and alone. Then I see it off in the distance...

What's funny is that this picture of happiness has always been blurry. I can never quite make it out, but I know it exists, and my life has been a non-stop journey to find it. The crazy thing is, I don't know what I'd do once I got it because so much time has been spent on the chase. What's even crazier is I have no one to blame for my current state of melancholia but myself. I could try to be happy with what I've got, but I've convinced myself that it's just out of reach and it always will be.

Honestly, I'm starting to think that there something might be off inside of me. The constant need to question my life, my happiness, my purpose, my hopes and dreams cannot be normal, but the thought of being normal is just as unnerving. Maybe I'm destined to always feel this way; my happiness comes from being unhappy. But that cannot be right. I'm tired of feeling this way, but then why am I here writing the same stuff over and over again.

All I know is that I'm ready for a change, whether it be personally, professionally, or both. And here's to hoping that it will be one step closer to that elusive beast known as true happiness. At least I can hope, right?